Embracing Adversity to Forge Happiness

The United States Declaration of independence states that every citizen is endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Today I want to talk to you about our pursuit of happiness. You see, I spent much of my life struggling to find true happiness until I discovered the secret I am about to share.

Before I do, let’s get the lay of the land and create a happiness map to guide us on our journey.

If you visit the Amazon book section and type in the word “happiness,” you will get 60,000 results. That’s a lot of authors writing a lot of books. As we all know, demand often drives supply.

Dr. Laurie Santos recently created the most popular course in the 300-year history of Yale University. What is this course that one quarter of all freshmen take? It’s called “Psychology and the Good Life.” Which focuses heavily on, you guessed it, the pursuit of happiness.

Here is another data point you might find interesting. The U.S. self-improvement market for 2021 was $11 billion dollars. That’s billion with a ‘B.’ It’s clear that our pursuit of happiness is big business.

Let’s keep it rolling. The 2020 world happiness report, which checks in at a whopping 212 pages, does its best to measure subjective wellbeing around the world.

In the report, the United States ranks #19 in the world. Sandwiched between the Czech Republic and Belgium. A respectable ranking, perhaps. But you might also wonder why a country with the wealth, technology and abundance of the US would not rank higher?

Here’s some clues. Statistics show that anxiety, depression, loneliness and suicidal ideation are all climbing. Making matters worse, young adults suffer even higher rates of loneliness. I think you would agree, we are not moving in the right direction.

You may be thinking, “Of course we aren’t happy, Ron, have you seen the headlines! We’re in the middle of a global pandemic!” I definitely hear ya. But be careful with that thinking. It was not a rosy picture before the pandemic started. Nor will putting it in our rearview mirror alleviate the problem.

All these data suggest we are executing poorly in our pursuit of happiness. I think you would agree, it’s certainly not for lack of trying. Is it possible that we are confused as to what will deliver happiness to our doorstep?

Let’s review one of the many definitions of happiness as we continue our mapping process.

In the field of Positive psychology, happiness is described as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”

In my own work as the founder of Forging Mettle, podcast host and professor at the University of Colorado, I have asked countless students, guests and clients to define happiness.

As you can imagine, everyone has slightly different answers. There are certainly some commonalities, however. Like spending time with loved ones, financial security and good health.

But I have observed there is always something missing. I have yet to have anyone include adversity, discomfort, or hardship in their personal definition of happiness. Should these be part of a good life? Here we start to see possible cracks in the foundation of our happiness model.

Let’s dig a little deeper. Beginning with the topic of contentment.

Allow your mind to travel back in time many thousands of years to the plains of the Serengeti. For our ancestors, the status quo, or contentment, would have gotten them killed. You see, food, shelter and sex required getting off the couch to pursue difficult challenges.

Let me tell you firsthand, if you’ve ever tried online dating you know what it means to do pursue difficult challenges!

The bottom line is being content for extended periods of time was not a winning proposition for them, nor for us.

Yet, many definitions of happiness specifically mention being content. Is this a problem? Should we be content?

If we are content, improvement will not happen. We’ll just binge Netflix and eat popcorn on the couch! Discontent drives motivation to change. And although we need discontent to drive growth, I am also not advocating for a life of “never enough.” This is just as unhealthy as a life of contentment.

Imagine contentment on a sliding scale. On one end of the spectrum we have pure content, and on the opposite side, a never-ending state of discontent. Loitering at the ends of this spectrum will not deliver the happiness we seek.

We should learn to move this sliding scale back and forth throughout our lives to suit our needs. There will be times in life that call for being content. To pause, rest, recharge. To savor. To take a breath. There will be times to push ourselves out of our comfort zone to strive for meaningful, hard goals. And be out of breath.

We should view this pursuit as a series of sprints, rather than a steady state marathon. We are not machines. We need to cycle between stress and rest to be at our best.

I have run 50 miles three times. Traversing the high altitude, rugged mountains surrounding Leadville, Colorado. With peaks that tower 14,000’ toward the sky. It takes a back of the pack runner like me, about 14 hours to cover that distance.

You can imagine paying a 40% tax on your oxygen intake. Inclement weather like wind, rain, hail and snow are four wildcards in this deck. There are steep, rocky climbs, and many bumps in the road.

I have hallucinated and had out of body experiences. It is many hours of adversity, pain, and discomfort…never ending inner dialogue, loneliness and boredom. All of which will put your mental health and physical endurance to the test.

This is an incredible feat of human will to continue moving forward when all you want to do is lay down and quit.

The best part of running 50 miles should come as no surprise. It’s when you cross that beautiful finish line and know the pain is finally over. The hardship and discomfort from a very long day and many miles has finally come to its dramatic conclusion.

But the second-best part of running 50 miles may surprise you… Any guesses?

It is the hot shower that soothes your aching body and washes away all of the trail dust. Gathered from 100,000 footsteps in those beautiful, rugged mountains.

A simple shower becomes pure bliss. How can something so mundane, something most of us do every day, become so magical? What is the magic elixir for my shower bliss? It is precisely the adversity and hardship that created my savoring of this simple experience.

Here is where things start to get interesting. I had inadvertently stumbled onto something. This wasn’t just my imagination. Research has shown that facing adversity can increase our capacity to savor the little things in life.

What is savoring? Savoring is the capacity “to attend to, appreciate, and enhance positive experiences in our lives. It is about “enjoying the process, rather than focusing on the outcome of enjoyment.” (Bryant & Veroff, 2007) You can think of savoring as an active process of enjoyment.

To savor positive experiences has elements of mindfulness, gratitude and pleasure. But it is slightly more than each of these. Savoring is elevated to a higher plane of existence.

We can be mindful, but not savor. We can have gratitude, absent active appreciation. We can feel pleasure, but not be attuned to the source of our pleasure.

Making the process of savoring even more elusive. Affluence has been shown to reduce our capacity to savor. As we remove the bumps in the road of life, we become quite accustomed to a smooth road. In the process, we begin to lose our capacity to appreciate the little things.

Making matters worse, we become fragile to the storms of life. Every bump in the road now easily disrupts our wellbeing. We actually become less resilient. This is quite contrary to what we are taught by societal norms. We are led to believe that wealth and a life of leisure will deliver the happiness we desire.

If running 50 miles isn’t your thing, I applaud your sanity. It’s not for everybody. But here is an example that you may more readily relate to. Last year I contracted Covid-19. During my sickness, like many of you I suspect, I lost my sense of taste and smell.

Each day I would try to revive my senses. I would place coffee beans, lemons, chocolate, and garlic up to my nose and sniff. Nothing seemed to work. How I missed those familiar smells that I had known for a lifetime, and never gave a second thought.

When the day finally came and my senses returned, I felt like a little kid again. I savored the smell of everything in my vicinity. Tree leaves, fresh cut grass, sweet spring air, my morning coffee. I breathed it in deeply. It was all so wonderful.

Again, my savoring had been made possible by the adversity I faced, and the hardship I overcame.

As I build a case for savoring, here is another nugget of wisdom. Savoring helps us with emotion regulation. (Bryant, Chadwick & Kluwe, 2011) Why is this important?

As we practice savoring, we tend to cope better, and begin to forge our ability to be resilient and strong. Focusing on the positive, which is fundamental to savoring, has been shown to create important advantages in the coping process. You can think of savoring as the positive counterpart of coping.

How does adversity fit into the equation? It turns out, “experiencing hardship can provide a pathway toward enhanced appreciation of positive events.” Somewhat surprisingly, “moderate levels of adversity throughout our life leads to fewer post-traumatic stress symptoms, less global distress, and increased life satisfaction.” (Croft et. al, 2014) I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

Perhaps adversity is not the bogeyman we’ve made it out to be? In this new mindset that embraces, rather than avoids adversity, we can begin to move beyond post-traumatic stress into post traumatic growth. We can start to see adversity as a growth engine for happiness.

Let’s imagine a new happiness model that makes room for adversity as an ally in our pursuit. As we go around the cycle of Adversity-Savoring-Resilience, we build our happiness muscle.

As we’ve learned, facing and overcoming adversity can lead to increased savoring. Which then leads to greater resilience. We become stronger and more resilient with each evolution. Better equipped to face the next storm of life.

It is in the contrast between happiness and adversity that adds rich color and texture to our lives. Without this contrast of hard and soft, our lives become smooth, gray and listless. Devoid of meaning, fulfillment and savoring.

Some of the happiest people I have known are the ultra-runners that run long distances over the mountains and through the woods. These “nutbags,” as they are often called, have discovered the secret of happiness.

They purposely invite hardship, adventure and adversity into their lives as the missing ingredients for their happiness potion. For they know, on the other side of adversity is the happiness we all seek.

I’ve been a rodeo bull rider, a semi-professional baseball player and an aerobatic pilot. I’ve built an airplane, completed an Ironman triathlon and run dozens of ultra-marathons. I’ve done hard things. Let me share something surprising I learned along the way.

As I did hard things, I got better at doing hard things. What was once hard became easier and less intimidating. Do not let daunting adventures paralyze you. Dance with fear and embrace the discomfort.

As I tackled more difficult challenges, I also noticed I was more fulfilled, and happiness surprisingly came along for the ride. This was not what I expected. Paradoxically, doing hard things actually led to the happiness I was pursuing. I too, had finally discovered the secret.

As I wrap up, here is where this old ballplayer spins you a curveball. So far, the focus of this talk has been on pursuing happiness. I have been seduced by the siren call of happiness and perhaps so have you.

Our problem with happiness does not lie in how we define it. The definitions are perfectly valid. Being content, feeling pleasure and joy are exactly how happiness should feel. But here’s where it gets a bit tricky. The solution to our problem is that the pursuit of happiness shouldn’t be our obsession.

Psychologist Iris Mauss calls this curveball the “paradoxical pursuit of happiness.” (Mauss et al, 2012) She found that the more passionately we pursue happiness, the less likely we are to actually find it. In fact, this obsession can even lead to depression if we’re not careful.

With all due respect, our forefathers got it wrong. You and I should not be pursuing a happy life, but rather, a fulfilling life. Let me explain with a quick example.

If I eat jelly donuts every day, I’ll be pretty happy. It will be tasty and filling…but not fulfilling. In a good life, we also need to make room for the hard stuff. Right next to our delicious jelly donut, we need to add some broccoli to our plate.

You see, let me tell you something you already know. A fulfilling life is not always easy, nor fun. It allows space for all of our emotions. Including the messy, uncomfortable ones often associated with facing hardship, failing and overcoming obstacles.

It’s time to change the target of our pursuit from happiness to fulfillment.

When you feel ready, I leave you with three challenges to consider.

First, when adversity arrives without an invitation. Look at it as a gift that will make you stronger. We grow through overcoming hardship. Reappraise it as a positive, rather than negative event. Relish the challenge that has come to your doorstep.

Second, actively practice savoring in your life. Make a habit of enjoying the little things that life has to offer. Enhance and prolong your positive experiences whenever you get the chance. Pause, and appreciate the roses.

Lastly, if adversity does not visit. Create your own adversity to test your will, strengthen your character and enhance your capacity for savoring. What challenge will you take on that will jolt you from your comfortable slumber and push you into the wild frontier?

Try something that scares you. You may want to run long distances, embark on a cross country adventure or deliver a TED talk.

This is the new approach to happiness we desperately need to right our listing ship. It will be difficult at times, but you are built for this. You and I have genes passed down from survivors. Trust that you are stronger than you realize.

Let me share the wise, immortal words of the Stoic philosopher, Seneca the younger, who once said…

“The things hardest to bear are the sweetest to remember.”

I encourage you to embrace adversity and seek fulfillment in your pursuit of the good life.

I’ll see you in the arena…and don’t forget to eat your broccoli.