Unconstructive Suffering: How to Practice More Self-compassion

In our year end Forging Mettle podcast, I talked about the concept of gently pushing through hard days. Instead of trying to will yourself through it with harsh self-talk like a version of former Navy SEAL David Goggins screaming in your head.

Try instead to give yourself some grace, kindness and compassion. Realize and accept that we are flawed, you and I. We are emotional beings that have ups and downs. There is an ebb and flow to life. It is dynamic, always moving and changing like a river. Life, and our emotional state, is never static. We must learn to embrace this flow of life without judgment.

Self-scrutiny applied with kindness

~Epictetus

Overachiever, Alpha Dog, Perfectionists

I realize this is a hard sell in a world of overachiever, alpha dog, perfectionists. But I would ask, how is that working for you? Depression, suicide, loneliness and unhappiness are at all time high levels according to the research. We are doing something wrong with our always on, never satisfied, never enough lives.

We are fooled into thinking doing more, and being harder on ourselves, will lead to that elusive good life we seek.

You see, I am a recovering perfectionist. I know this journey well for I have traveled its path. I grew up with a very demanding father. Nothing was ever good enough, in his mind. As a promising young baseball player that had my eyes on a professional career, the bar was set very high indeed.

Let me share a story if I may? I remember hitting 4 homeruns in a doubleheader in high school, including 3 in the first game. Almost everyone, including myself, was ecstatic. It was the only time I remember my father not having negative feedback. Now, of course, I did not hear “I’m proud of you” which I had hoped for. It was more along the lines of “that’s not bad, son.”

Consequently I have struggled with an inner voice that is harsh and overly critical, much like a mean drill sergeant (as described on a Happiness Lab podcast). I could hear echoes of my father in my self-talk. Maybe you too can hear echoes of a parent, coach or teacher from your early life?

Now, let’s pause to make something clear. I love my father, even with his shortcomings as a parent. He did his best, and for that, I am grateful. I am not playing the victim. It was not my fault how I was raised, but it is my responsibility as an adult to grab the wheel and steer my own ship.

Lastly, it’s not all bad. That high standard, ambition and drive have helped me achieve much in life. My goal in my own self-development journey is to use the good and reduce the bad. I am seeking harmony; more self-love and self-acceptance.

The Good Wolf

There is an ancient Cherokee legend about the good wolf and the bad wolf. In it, a young boy is talking to his grandfather about life. The grandfather tells a tale of a battle between a good wolf and a bad wolf that exists in each of our minds. The good wolf is all that is good. The bad wolf is all that is evil The young boy says, “which one wins?” His grandfather replies, “whichever one you feed.” This is our inner voice. The bad wolf could be thought of as your inner critic.

Although self-criticism of behavior can actually be a good thing. It helps give us a signal to correct poor behavior so that we can be better next time. The problem arises when we start to criticize ourselves, who we are, our identity. This often leads to self-inflicted shame. Shame is self-debilitating and not helpful.

Are We the Enemy?

When we feel shame, we see ourselves as an enemy that needs to vanquished. Ironically, we see our very selves as a threat to us. When our brain senses a threat, a part of the brain called the amygdala goes on high alert to defend the citadel against the perceived invader. When this happens, our fight/flight/freeze system is activated. Also known as the sympathetic nervous system. This system mobilizes to defend against the perceived threat.

This system is designed to help us escape sabre tooth tigers. It is designed to be used in short bursts, sprints (as I discuss in a previous blog), if you will. These sprints are followed by rest, and we toggle back to our rest and digest system called the parasympathetic nervous system. Essentially the opposite of the sympathetic nervous system.

If we are sympathetically activated chronically, the results can be catastrophic to our health. This is chronic stress, and should be avoided. Stress is actually good, if we can toggle between stress and rest. Our system needs recovery time. Without it, we overwhelm the engine and will eventually blow up that engine.

Our Inner Voice

All of this leads me back to your inner voice. If we allow our inner voice to overly harsh, we are setting up a situation of chronic stress. We are, often unknowingly, priming the sympathetic nervous system to redline until the engine blows. All of which is driven by a seemingly benign inner voice.

How many of us realize how much damage being hard on ourselves can create? We recently had Patrick Sweeney, author of Fear is Fuel, on the podcast. He believes this constant state of sympathetic activation caused leukemia to manifest in him in his mid-thirties.

Or a recent Rich Roll podcast with Caroline Burckle who believes it led her to miss her period for 10 years! As we can surmise, none of this is healthy. We must guard against chronic levels of stress. The good news is we can rewrite the story in our minds.

Dukkha

A harsh inner critic, or perfectionist tendencies can be the culprit. This all builds a powerful case for something called self-compassion. Compassion can be thought of as a desire to alleviate suffering. The Buddha stated in the four noble truths that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence. He called it dukkha. It is part of life, but not all suffering is created equal.

As we often discuss on the podcast, some suffering is actually needed and beneficial in life. We should seek it out. Former Olympic moguls world champion Jeremy Bloom calls it constructive suffering. Adversity, and learning to embrace the suck, often leads to meaning and fulfillment. Suffering will make us stronger. But, again, not all suffering is created equal.

In life, we have what I call primary suffering and secondary suffering. Primary suffering is hard to avoid. If my dog dies today, I will not be able to avoid that suffering, nor should I. If I carry that anguish for an extended period, it now becomes secondary suffering.

I do have control over secondary suffering. We all do. Additionally, our interpretation of our suffering is foundational to the benefit we might derive from it. If we see it as good stress, we will grow. If we see it as bad stress, we will be traumatized and diminished by it. Again, we see narrative becomes a powerful tool.

Be a Supportive Coach

To sum up, suffering should not be avoided. What should be avoided is unconstructive suffering. Being overly harsh with ourselves is unconstructive. Give yourself some room to maneuver and explore your feelings without guilt.

Do not create an environment where nothing is ever good enough. Do not allow yourself to be unkind to yourself. Train yourself to create an inner dialogue that is supportive and kind. Just like you would speak to a good friend or loved one.

How do we do this? Start with self-awareness. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Use a notepad and write down your thoughts as they come up. Do this for a few days and see if you notice a pattern.

Be wary of your “chimp” brain hiding the facts. It's our brain’s version of fake news. When I first did this exercise, I initially did not “see” the negative patterns. As I looked closer, I realized, my inner voice was never happy, never satisfied. Again, I could hear the echoes of my father’s voice.

Over the years, I have changed this conversation to be more gentle, kind and supportive. Just like a good, supportive, coach. It has changed my life. My hope is that it can do the same for you. Go easier on yourself and see how that works.